Monday, February 05, 2007, 9:00 PM

I haven't been a really good friend lately and I'll try to pick myself up and be there for whoever needs me. Be as cheerful as I once was. Be the person whom people could count on no matter what.

It started with just a simple "hi". Yet it grew to something so huge that no one could control. It took me a year to realize what it was; A month to know that you were the only one I wanted; A day to realize that I'll never forget you; A moment to recognize that you mean the world to me; A second to comprehend that I will probably always love you until the day I die. By now, you may not even acknowledge my existence any more. I thought you should know that I haven't been waiting for you all these while. Instead, I've just been loving you deep in my heart. No matter how much I do not want to accept that fact, it's just it and nothing I say or do will change it.

One day out of boredom, you instant messaged me, telling me that you were bored and had nothing to do, thus the reason why you IMed me. I remember laughing it off, chiding you for only talking to me when you were bored. Then, you were my best friend's boy friend and so I didn't think much of the conversation. Neither did I take it seriously. Little did I know that it would actually change my life, forever. You requested me for write a monial for you. After much persuading, I finally did and it was then did our "Chemical X" and "Solution Y" started. You told me that I seemed fierce to you, therefore you never dared to strike up a conversation with me and I started arguing with you about the fact that I wasn't fierce at all. Slowly, 1000 word monials started flooding out friendster accounts and our friendship advanced on steadily. Until there came a day when we started losing contact. The reason was unknown. We were probably just too busy and did not have much time to spend with each other as friends due to our boy/girl friends.

Until one day when mine broke up with me. I had no one to turn to until I remembered you. You comforted me like I was your little sister. Maybe it started with the first message I sent you that night, a spark between us was ignited and I started confiding in you as though we've known each other for years. We grew closer and closer until she started suspecting that there was something between us, that we were more than mere sister and brother. She was wrong then, or so I thought. I convinced myself that you were no more than my trustworthy brother, the person whom I could tell my deepest and darkest secrets to. Often during out nightly conversations, I would break down and tell you something I had never told any other soul. You were my soul mate back then. Until one day, convinced that we were secretly together or something, she forced you to stop contacting me. The very first sign that I probably recognize that I was falling hard for you was when I broke down on the spot and couldn't stop sobbing into the phone. It never occurred to me back then that you were merely my brother yet I was crying as though you were my boy friend and that I could not lose you. The truth was not far away. i could not afford to lose you, my soul mate. The one whom I have been with as a sister for just a month or so only. I never knew that at that very moment, I had already fallen head over heels in love with you.

In less than two weeks later, she broke up with you. Reason being that there were simply too many rumours circulating in school that we were together and that you were cheating on her. I told her she was a fool to believe in them and that you loved her still. I think what I said had an effect on her. Less than one week later, the both of you patched. I was happy, yet couldn't stop the tears from falling. Many people in school judged me from then on. I could not stop all the rumours so I had to bear with it. In the end, you broke up with her as you felt that you had no feelings for her. Again, I had mixed feelings. Happiness that you weren't with her anymore. But sad whenever I saw tears drop from her eyes. That was the final break up. One night, the 12th of Feb, we were talking on the phone and I had a feeling that something was extraordinary was going to happen that night. Call it a intuition but that was what I felt. Out of the blue, you suddenly asked me to tell you when it was 1159. The funny thing was that at 1158, my phone suddenly disconnected and it was 1159 when I was finally able to connect through again. You were kind of mad at me or my phone rather and it was when I asked you what was up when you asked that question. "Do you want to be my stead?" I was shocked and was stunned for a few seconds. I managed to utter a "Whaaat!" and you repeated the question. Urging my for my reply, I stammered a "Yes" into the phone. And it was 0000 on the 13 of Feb. I'll never forget that conversation for the rest of my life.

Days passed and we "sneakily" met outside school after lessons were over. Valentine's day was that year was the best I ever had. I went over to AMK to meet you after Shatec. We spent as long as I could outside before you sent me home. I never wanted that night to end. I wanted time to stop there when you held me in your arms. Days passed, dates ended. I guess many people saw us and the questioning I received from her ended our relationship the first time. We managed to get back together again but the very next day, I ended it again. That I regret deeply. I knew that I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and made assumptions. 这都是我的错. I tried to patch up with you but all my attempts were to no avail. It was getting harder and harder for us to maintain contact as you didn't reply more than half of my messages. Soon, we lost contact all together. I still remember crying myself to sleep every night for more than a month since we broke up. I just couldn't get myself up, couldn't muster then strength to pick up the broken pieces. I trusted you not to hurt me like so many others did. But even though you did, I couldn't being myself to hate you. Instead I tried to pretend that nothing happened. Focusing more on my friends than on myself. Resulting in foul tempers and nasty exchanges. But it was then that I realize that friendship was forever.

I told myself that if a miracle happened and you contacted me once again, I would never let the chance go again. Months passed and I slowly gave up hope until one day in June, you talked to me online. I couldn't believe it. You even asked me to call you to accompany you on the phone. At that moment, I really felt that dreams do come true. We maintained contact. Occasional arguments came our way, not to mention the disagreements. Gradually, other people became more important to you in your life than me. I stepped out of the picture, out of your life. But I'll never forget you.

I always thought what I had for you was just mere infatuation. However thinking about how long I've loved you, I don't think it was just "puppy love" as they call it. Many people have stepped in and out of my life since the last time you spoke to me. None of them serious enough to make me forget you. Up till now, its just 7 more days to what would have been out 1 year anniversary. I'll never be able to replace what you meant to me with someone else. It will just not be the same. A part of my heart will belong to you and only you. For now and forever.

When I fall in love, it will be forever.
Boy, I love you so<3